Why do we marry, at all? To marry is to begin, deliberately, a process of sharing our lives instead of going it alone, making a life partner of another person in such a way and to such a degree that it will necessarily require us to learn to get along with someone definitely “other” than ourselves. If we are lucky, the life we will create together will be much richer than the one we would have generated alone. However, a true marriage partnership demands a kind of constant, determined input and intimacy, one that will inevitably stretch us more than most anything else we have undertaken. That constant stretching will also stress and test us, sometimes more than we think we can bear. In return, it can provide a unique commitment that can comfort us throughout life.

But make no mistake. Marriage is a dramatic life change, and dramatic life changes are always a shock to the system. Whether it is acknowledged or not, grief follows in the wake of major change – good and bad changes both provoke grief.

An unrecognized taboo in American culture is that we do not admit that grief is a natural response to getting married. Because no one warns us of this possibility, we are unprepared and often unable to distinguish what is happening to us. We may not even know how to identify our bewildering mix of feelings. We may wonder if something is wrong with us that we are so ambivalent about our new circumstances. Nothing is wrong. It is simply that grief begins to erupt as we move away from the rosy glow surrounding the wedding and all the delicious and romantic anticipation of new marriage. In short, it begins when we begin to see past our romantic illusions.

We may question ourselves as to why we are not happier. We may be afraid to share our doubts and concerns. A complex array of feelings may begin moments after the wedding ceremony, or they may not emerge until days or weeks into our new togetherness. Once we are back in our “real” lives, spending time with and getting used to the person we married, we may experience intense feelings that are hard to tolerate.

We should anticipate the stress of new marriage and acknowledge the very real possibility that we won’t always feel loving and happy. With that clarity, we can then begin life together sharing our feelings openly and unselfconsciously. Honesty builds mutual trust, which helps create and deepen the rewarding relationship we are seeking.

Every newlywed should be warned to expect to grieve the changes that marriage provokes, but also be reassured that these feelings can be resolved. We are likely at one point or another to feel a sense of loss about who we were or what we had before now, as well as perhaps occasional sadness, longing, or even regret. However, none of us can or should expect sustained bliss. The idea that we are grieving over this new marriage may not occur to us. But there’s nothing wrong with us. It’s all quite normal.

The expression “the honeymoon is over” represents an experience that occurs in almost every marriage eventually. It means that you are waking up to sharing your life with a real person, not a magical prince or princess. We are bound to see our partner’s flaws, problems or irritating habits once we are together in the full time relationship of marriage. “Committed” is the operative word that throws us off. “You mean I have to put up with this always?”

Suddenly we find ourselves entrapped with a real person, not an ideal one; their ways, their habits, their personality may be startlingly different in the light of being married rather than being suffused with the rosy glow we had beforehand. Some of what we begin to learn about this person to whom we have committed ourselves may be a surprise. It can be upsetting, disheartening, disappointing or even somewhat shocking.

But on the other hand, we have to let our own “hair” down. We have to feel safe enough to show our own down side, our crabbiness or anger, our negativity, bad habits, or complaints. After all, rest assured: our partner is facing the same doubts that we are. Every marriage has to pass through a period of reality; the first flush of falling in love was a romantic illusion.

In marrying, we are giving up dreams as much as having our dreams come true. It is always easier to recognize the fulfillment of wishes, but few of us are wise enough to admit that getting married also involves the loss of some dreams. We lose the possibility of choosing perhaps a more ideal partner; we realize we will not have a variety of partners any more. Just the fact of that we have chosen one person with whom to spend the rest of our lives can be a cause for some grief.

Our life style once married is bound to change, maybe even drastically. We lose time to and by ourselves. Even if we lived together with our spouse beforehand, the very permanence of marriage may make us feel crowded or closed in. If we are used to being alone a lot, we may never again get “enough” time to ourselves. We may never feel free of this other person who now is in the story of our lives. They will be in our face every single day.

We may be giving up dreams that would only work if we stayed single: traveling the world, or living in a particular place, or taking a dream job that isn’t conducive to married life. If and how we socialize or spend our free time may be dramatically challenged by a partner who likes to stay home and watch television -- or by one who can never sit still!

In short, when we marry, we lose the chance to always do things our own way. Now a second person is interfering with how we brush or floss our teeth, or when or what we eat for breakfast, or commenting on how neat or messy we are. Our bedtime, dinnertime, or waking time are all usually affected or changed by marriage. We may not want to acknowledge it, but changing our basic habits to adapt to those of another person, no matter how much we want to be with that person, can often be a source of irritation, if not grief as well.

Since someone else’s desires and opinions push their way into our thoughts, ours is no longer the only voice we honor. Our behavior is suddenly being scrutinized and discussed openly, which in itself can be cause for alarm. Things we never thought would be commented on, like how much toilet paper we use or don’t use, or our tastes in food, clothes, or style, becomes part of an open discussion. It’s like having a new and unwanted parental overview foisted upon us. Having our spouse remind us of our parents can enrage us or frighten us. But we listen nonetheless, because we want to get along with this important other person. Conflict can arise between our needs and our partner’s needs. Life doesn’t always feel so easy as it did when we only had to decide for ourselves.

Yes marriage always incurs changes in our lives, some that can cause sorrow or regret. But major changes can also be the source of our greatest growth and satisfaction. In launching into this major life change that is marriage, both parties must accept grief or uncomfortable feelings as inevitable and natural. The best way through grief is to allow it, to talk about it. With honesty and openness, we move through this uncomfortable emotion and hopefully develop the lasting closeness with this other human being that we desired.



About the Author
Psychotherapist and inspiring speaker, Judy Tatelbaum encourages people to face life's inevitable crises - courageously. She is the author of The Courage to Grieve and You Don’t Have to Suffer.