If you want someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden, but don’t marry them! People get married for all the wrong reasons. I had such a laugh the other night when a girl friend of mine who’s in love and engaged to be married said, “you know it hit me while I was driving today. I am getting married to the RIGHT guy. I am the first person in MY family to do that!”

People get married when they are trying to control outcomes. They choose someone to be a mother or a father to their children. They get married because it’s time; they are in their 30’s or 40’s and do it out of fear. I am horrified to say I am guilty as the next person when I have thought, “If he really loves me, then he is going to change.” But I didn’t marry him! NO, NO, NO! If you don’t absolutely, 100% accept your partner warts and all, exactly as he or she is today, DON’T MARRY THEM. They won’t change and if they do change, you want to them to change because they want to change not because you are handing them ultimatums. We can’t control our destiny, it’s a pain in the ass trying and it often leads in divorce. I know this is cliché, but I have witnessed friends having a child to save a relationship with their partner. And when that didn’t work, yep, they did the unthinkable… they had ANOTHER child. I read in a gossip magazine once an interview with the celebrity couple Seal and Heidi Klum. One of them said that their relationship works for one reason only. It works because their relationship with each other is more important than any thing else, even their relationship with their children. (I am sure there are plenty of mothers who read that article and thought, “How dare they?”)

Two more things:

If you want to fall in love, then fall in love with yourself. Self-love is what leads to true love. It’s the only way. Don’t wait to try that recipe for when you have someone to share it with. Don’t wait to see that photography exhibit for when you have someone to go with. Do it now and you’ll be surprised. Something magical happens. You enjoy yourself. And it’s when you enjoy your own company that you become a joy to be around.

People don’t take the time to get to know each other any more. We so badly want to know, we want that confirmation that this person is THE one. We so desperately seek the comfort of a routine with someone that we fail to see that falling in love is the best part. I remember my grandfather telling me over and over again the story of his first date with my grandmother. How she was just a teenager. How she sat on his hat when she got into the car and was so embarrassed. Then, out of nervousness, she ate so many pastries that she fell asleep on the date while he fell in love. Very shortly after that first date, my grandmother had to flee Italy and sailed to Cuba. Through long letters, postcards and years of separation, my grandparents actually got to know each other and they reunited again, as old friends, in California.